We’ve all heard the phrase: “They’ve ruined my childhood!” Some of us have said it, half in jest, half in frustration. We hate it when the things we loved as kids get remade, reimagined, screwed up, or just screwed with. So in the spirit of this, in sympathy and even empathy, let’s talk about Pokémon GO. ((This is a real photo heavy post. Just FYI))

My kid grew up with these characters. She played the games, collected the cards, and cherished her beloved Pikachu, whose ears wiggled and cheeks lit up when he repeated his signature phrase. Still, I’m more than a little bit evil and have a dirty mind that’s built miles of tunnels under the gutter, so when I saw some of the Pokémon animations…let’s just say the game is no longer rated E for Everybody. Here are a few of my favorites from my own personal collection (yes, I play the game, no, I don’t walk into traffic). They start off kinda tame and then go downhill from there.

Dying Goldfish

C’mon, really? This fish flops around, gasping for air, and instead of tossing him into a lake or a stream or a freakin’ birdbath, you’re trying to trap him into a tiny ball. No wonder he evolves into something bad ass. He holds grudges.

Rabid Dust Bunny

I’m not sure if this guy is cute or terrifying, but seriously, just sweep under your sofa and you should be good.

SumoKitty

SumoKitty looks cute and sweet, but really he’s five hundred pounds of teeth and claws who’ll eat you…as soon as he’s finished with his nap.

Gonad the Impaler

Honestly, this guy looks like a testicle with teeth. I wanna see someone do a tattoo of him. On a testicle (not really, please don’t send me pics of your nuts tyvm).

Silent But Deadly

I’m sure this guy has friends. I’m also sure they stand downwind of him.

Ms. Drag Queen USA

She’s just off her world tour as the winner of the 2016 Drag Queen USA Pageant and looking fabulous.

Winged Condom

Yeah, I’m not seeing a bell here. It even has a reservoir tip!

Leggy Fleshlight

This guy is the precursor to the one above. Its mouth moves in a way I’m not sure is appropriate for those under the age of at least sixteen.

 

Angry Vagina

You’re just trolling us now, Japan, aren’t you? Seriously, this is every woman on her period. Note – this is the only one that I have not personally caught and photographed. I did source this pic from the net after my kid told me about it. She’s the one who gave it its name. If you own this pic and you want it taken down, contact me and I’ll make it happen!

PornoPokémon

Dafuq? The animation makes this even worse as it bounces up and down with its tongue flapping.

Judging You

Just like Pidgey here, we’re totally judging you, Japan.